Day 168 - Tuesday 19th May 2009

Okay, well I guess I'm finally here today after a couple of weeks, to pretty much confess that it seriously looks like I've become addicted to cooked food again. Don't get me wrong it's certainly not the typical SAD - I'm still a strict vegan (no grains, dairy, meat etc...) but I've resorted to cooking my vegetables, particularly now that it is getting colder here and have started to consume more nuts, avocados and dates for some reason. As a result this is killing my digestive system and I'm feeling bloated, have indigestion and stomach pains, yet continue to eat cooked.
Why???
I know the reason why, yet it certainly doesn't help me or solve the problem. You see the last month or so my fruit intake has declined which has meant I crave cooked food and overt fats (nuts, avocado's) more. I know I have to increase my fruit intake again in order to take the cooked cravings away, but what do you do if you quite simply don't want the fruit?
There are a few fruits that I use to really like eating that now turn my stomach and as the days go by I'm finding that I'm wanting and eating less and less fruit. I can't actually believe I'm saying that, because I love fruit, but it's true.
As well as the problems I'm experiencing with indigestion, I've also found that my arthritis pain has increased again, particularly in the morning when it is quite bad and that if it wasn't for exercising I don't think I would get through the day. I still haven't resorted to taking medication again, although some days I could easily do so because of the pain.
Whether my pain has returned because of the cooked food, the salt I put on the cooked food, the increase in overt fats, or even the weather turning colder, I am yet to discover.
At the end of each day, when I go to bed feeling quite frankly wrecked, I tell myself that tomorrow will be different, however I have been telling myself this now for weeks and still nothing has changed.
I feel like I have totally failed, when this is something that I so wanted. I know how raw and then 811LFRV (80/10/10 Low Fat Raw Vegan) made me feel, yet I still allowed myself to get to this point.
The mind is a powerful thing and willpower is something I generally have a lot of...........where has it gone now that I need it so much?